A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Solider

“These days I live in three worlds: my dreams, and the experiences of my new life, which trigger memories from the past.”

The writer intersperses flashbacks with scenes from his life as a boy soldier in Sierra Leone. He recalls participating in the slaughter of two groups of young boys upon one occasion, and the “high fives” exchanged by his unit afterwards. He fears sleep and nightmares and hopes to restore his sense of joyful anticipation of life during the daylight hours; however, he experiences flashback reactions during everyday activities. In an extraordinarily evocative description of PTSD, Ishmael is stuck in a feedback loop between his memories, his dreams, and his present.

“When the rebels finally came, I was cooking.” 

The author notes that periods of panic and apprehension regarding prospective rebel raids alternate with villagers returning to the minutiae of everyday life. When the boys return to the village of Mattru Jong following a rebel attack on their own village, many of the inhabitants have already fled into the woods after mutilated messengers bring news of a coming rebel attack. The same does not occur for many days, and the pace of normal life resumes. Ishmael recalls that he was preparing rice and okra soup when he hears the gunshots that signify the start of a brutal attack upon Mattru Jong. 

“Young boys were immediately recruited, and the initials RUF were carved wherever it pleased the rebels, with a hot bayonet.” 

When the rebels invade Mattru Jong, Ishmael and his group escape by running across a dangerous open clearing. They are easy targets for the rebel forces; however, they are incentivized to take this risk. Their greatest fear is being forcibly recruited and having the initials “RUF” carved into their bodies with a hot bayonet. This would mark them to be killed by Sierra Leone’s own soldiers as well as by militant civilians; they would be involuntary members of the rebel forces for life. 

“Junior was in front of me and his hands didn’t swing as they used to when he strolled across the yard on his way back from school.” 

Junior, Ishmael’s older brother, has always been an energetic, fun-loving boy who included his younger sibling in his music group and local adventures. He is protective and loving. The fact that Junior’s hands do not move while he walks is symbolic of the diminishment of his personality and spirit. His youth and enthusiasm fall victim to fear of the rebels’ sadism, the constant presence of hunger, and the grief over the probable deaths of his family members. 

“Things changed rapidly in a matter of seconds and no one had any control over anything.”

Hungry and exhausted, the boys reverse course to return to Mattru Jong and retrieve cash left behind during their escape. They intend to use the money to purchase food sold by street vendors at another village. Upon their arrival there, they find that the vendors are no longer selling food, as “Some of them were saving their food in case things got worse” (29). Ishmael seeks someone to blame for this futile effort but realizes that absurdities such as their present situation are inherent to wartime existence. 

“We grew up in a culture that demanded good behavior from everyone, and especially from the young.” 

In addition to the physical suffering involved in his journey, Ishmael is traumatized by the inversion of the natural order he witnesses. In this case, the rebels beat and psychologically torture an elderly man who desperately seeks the rest of his family members. They humiliate him publicly by threatening him with a bayonet, throwing him to the ground, laughing at his attempts to stand, and accusing him of opposing the rebel cause. In a particularly sadistic scene, the rebels pretend to shoot the old man in the head, although they have not actually done so. The rebels are entertained by the man’s terrified reaction; Ishmael is horrified by the disrespect implicit in these behaviors. 

“Since we didn’t have a mother at home, Junior and I were misfits in our community.” 

The separation of Ishmael’s parents resulted in Junior and himself being viewed as potential troublemakers within their home village. Ishmael recalls himself as a “troublesome boy” who often fought at school. Adult villagers express pity about the siblings’ situation and express concern that they would not receive proper home training. Their sympathy angers Ishmael. He describes kicking the behinds of the children whose parents comment about his family; he finds the compassion of the adults to be condescending and humiliating. 

“He invited our new neighbors, and my father stood up during the ceremony and said, ‘I pray to the gods and ancestors that my family will always be together.’”

When the rebels attack the farming village of Kamator where the boys have stayed for several months, Ishmael is separated from his brother and friends in the forest. Engulfed by a profound sense of grief and isolation, he wonders about the welfare of his missing family members and friends. The narrator recalls happier times from his early childhood, when his family was still intact. When the family moved to the village of Mogbwemo, his father had arranged a ceremony to bless their home, invited all the neighbors, and prayed aloud that the family would always remain intact. 

“We were leaving our friend, or as my grandmother would put it, ‘His temporary journey in this world had ended.’” 

Saidu’s death, both sudden and inexplicable, traumatizes Ishmael in a way that is different—but no less profound—than witnessing violent murders committed by the rebels. As the boys leave the village where they buried their friend, all members of the group start to sob. The narrator realizes that while Saidu’s ordeal on earth has ended, they must all persevere in their daily effort to survive insurmountable physical and psychological odds. The author uses documentary style foreshadowing regarding Saidu by advising the reader of the diminishment of the young man’s spirit and confidence in the weeks prior to his demise. 

“In my younger years I had learned that grown men cry only when they have no other choice.” 

Although Gasemu is the victim of Ishmael’s irrational rage when the Beah family is executed by rebels just as the boy is within sight of the village, the older man tries to function as a parental figure. He leads the narrator and his group into the forest when the rebels shoot at them. When Ishmael realizes that Gasemu is crying like a child, it becomes apparent that his former neighbor suffered gunshot wounds to his side and leg while escaping the RUF. Upon seeing Gasemu weep uncontrollably, Ishmael experiences the sort of fear common in children when they see a trusted adult figure lose control. 

“The rebels are responsible for everything that has happened to you.” 

The military instructors seek to heighten their recruits’ appetite for killing. The young boys range in age from the seven-year-old pair, Sheku and Josiah, to young teenagers. Initially, Ishmael experiences sheer terror upon being given an automatic weapon and bayonet; his immediate response is to shake uncontrollably. When the instructors ask them to use the bayonet more vigorously, the recruits practice stabbing banana trees. By day’s end, Ishmael can envision killing a rebel; he starts to relish the opportunity to do so. He has internalized the instructor’s axiom and comes to believe the rebels are the cause of all the heartache in his life, joyfully imagining locking rebels in a house and burning them alive. 

“The corporal handed us green head ties and said, ‘If you see anyone without a head tie of this color or a helmet like mine, shoot him.’”

Despite the hardships that he endured previously, Ishmael still flinches at the idea of killing. He is terrified when given a weapon and shakes uncontrollably upon firing it. The corporal’s technique in extolling his young troops is a useful and commonly used one: he dehumanizes the enemy and identifies them as anyone missing the appropriate headgear. After witnessing the deaths of Musa and Josiah during the battle with the rebels, and having ingested the “energy” pills distributed by the officers, Ishmael recognizes the depth of his hatred for the rebels and the carnage they have caused. He shoots and kills as many of them as he can.

“I shot as many as I could, but I didn’t feel better.”

The officers inculcate the boy soldiers with the idea that each rebel should represent the individuals who killed their families. He does this to enhance their rage. Coupled with daily doses of amphetamines, cocaine and marijuana, Ishmael becomes a furious murderer. When he sees rebels during raids on villages, each of them reminds him of the rebels “who played cards in the ruins of the village where I had lost my family” (122). He follows the lieutenant’s kill directives with great vigor, but his emotional wounds are not healed in the process. 

“The corporal gave the signal with a pistol shot and I grabbed the man’s head and slit his throat in one fluid motion.” 

During a raid on a rebel village, the lieutenant slits the neck of the rebel who shoots his comrade by using his bayonet. The boys are impressed with the fluidity of this procedure and are eager to practice it. Later, Ishmael is one of five boys chosen by the corporal to participate in a timed killing contest. Each boy is assigned a rebel prisoner whose hands are bound; they are instructed to look in the faces of the prisoner as they kill him. Ishmael makes the cleanest and fastest kill and is declared the winner of the contest. He notes that he did not feel anything for his prisoner, nor did he give much thought to his task. He is now numb to the process of killing. 

“There is no need to eat fast.” 

All the boys whom the United Nations workers have brought to the rehabilitation center have served in the army for several years. As part of their training, they were taught to gulp whatever rations were allotted to them within 60 seconds; any food not consumed during this period was confiscated from them. The staff of the facility seeks to normalize the boys’ environment from the outset by providing them with beds, linens, and regular mealtimes. The Sierra Leonean staff member who serves the boys their first meal at the facility is stunned when he returns to the kitchen briefly and finds that his charges have gobbled all of their food during the few seconds of his absence. He realizes that this is the result of their wartime training, and he wishes to emphasize that they do not need to follow the same regimen in the Center. 

“A few days earlier, we could have decided whether they would live or die.” 

The fact that Ishmael, a 15-year-old boy, is offended by being directed by the rehabilitation center adult staff is indicative of his self-image as a soldier. In this section of his narrative, he refers to the staff as “civilians” and is enraged when they have the audacity to give him instructions. Ishmael comes to regard himself as a Rambo-like soldier, whose combat skills are lauded by his superiors. Now, he has a disparaging view of “civilians.” This metamorphosis occurs during the three year period in which he serves in the military. He changes from a terrified 12-year-old who struggles to survive and convinces village chieftains that he is not a rebel, into a trained combat soldier. Addicted to drugs and fueled by rage, he is now expected to conform to the norms of a teenage boy who has not suffered his uniquely horrific experiences. 

“‘It is not your fault that you did such a thing to me,’ he said, as he strolled through the dining hall.” 

During their early days at the Center, the boys engage in constant, bloody fights. At night, they bring their mattresses outdoors in the yard and, sleepless, sit on them until called for breakfast. Each morning while they eat, staff members return the mattresses to the boys’ assigned beds. When the mattresses become soaked in rain one morning, the boys find Poppay, the supply manager, and demand immediate replacements. He replies that the mattresses must be left to dry outdoors, and the group stabs, kicks, and beats him in retaliation. Upon his return to work, Poppay tells the boys that they were not responsible for the assault, implying that this occurred because of their brutal military experiences. His forgiving attitude enrages the boys even further. 

“I found their somber eyes irritating.” 

Ishmael sustains a serious gunshot wound to his foot during an altercation with rebels in a small village. When he recuperates from the surgical removal of the bullet, he returns to duty with his squadron. His lieutenant states that six rebel captives were responsible for inflicting this injury, and he tells the narrator to “make sure they never shoot at you or your comrades” (159). The author is not at all sure that these captives were the perpetrators of his injury; nevertheless, he lines them up, ties their hands behind their backs, and shoots all of them in their feet. He allows them to suffer for an entire day before shooting them in the head to stop their crying. The author notes that each man’s eyes “gave up hope and steadied” prior to being executed. Devoid of emotion, Ishmael is annoyed by their solemn expressions. 

“Even though I had heard that phrase from every staff member- and frankly I had always hated it—I began that day to believe it.”

Esther, the nurse at the rehabilitation center, has a profound impact upon Ishmael’s recovery. Patient and non-judgmental, she encourages him to share impressions of his traumatic military experiences. Like all the staff members at the center, she constantly reassures Ishmael that none of the violent acts he committed while in the military were his fault. The author is angered by this statement for the first several months of his residence at the center; however, when he tells her about a dream involving his family, in which he was covered with blood from the stab wounds of other victims, she is quiet and just lets him relate the nightmare. She repeats the mantra about Ishmael being blameless after he recounts the dream, but this is the first time that he comes to believe that he was not at fault. 

“You are my son.” 

Tommy, Ishmael’s paternal uncle, comes to visit him at the Benin Home. The author is grateful for his relative’s generosity and attention; however, he feels somewhat awkward because the two had never met previously. Uncle Tommy explains that while he regrets this, they cannot change the past. The older man tells Ishmael that he does not have much, but that he wants to make the young man a member of his family. He will provide him with “a place to sleep, food, and my love” (172). Upon his discharge from the center, Ishmael resides with his uncle and his wife as well as the four children of other relatives they raise. Acceptance into this family unit is a critical juncture in Ishmael’s return to his pre-war persona. 

“‘Laughing like this is good for the soul,’ my uncle said, still laughing a little.” 

Despite his initial apprehension about residing with his Uncle Tommy and family, Ishmael comes to feel comfortable, secure, loved and accepted within the family environment. He overcomes his previously held belief regarding the fragile and temporary nature of happiness, and he participates fully in simple, joyful activities. On the evening that produced the above quote, the family gathers to eat a bag of groundnut and listen to a radio recording of a storyteller who recounts the amusing details of a friendship which he claims began prenatally. Everyone laughs uncontrollably, and Uncle Tommy notes that laughter is good for the soul. 

“Because if I was to get killed upon my return, I knew that a memory of my existence was alive somewhere in the world.” 

Ishmael feels validated by his experience at the U.N. Children’s Conference and is sad to leave New York. Part of his previous depression had been caused by the idea that no one in his family was alive to remember his past; he felt untethered and that his life was meaningless. As a result of his passion for extolling the benefits of rehabilitation for child soldiers and his desire to advise the world of the suffering of children in war-torn countries, Ishmael develops a new zest for life. He performed an important task that required bravery and grace, and he is left with a sense that he will be an enduring memory to those he spent time with at the Conference. His previous existence in the army—brutal, painful and psychologically devastating—is replaced by an altruistic sense of hope and purpose. 

“Nonetheless, I was happy to have made it out of Freetown, to have escaped the possibility of becoming a soldier again.” 

The author risks his life to leave Freetown once it becomes evident that war is going to erupt. Armed with the passport that enabled his trip to America for the United Nations Children’s Conference, he makes his way to the neighboring country of Guinea by way of a series of buses, treks through the woods, and encounters with hostile, extortionist military men. He is willing to take these chances to ensure that he is never again faced with the necessity of serving as a soldier to survive. In this sense, the United Nations conference was highly instrumental in saving Ishmael’s life. The trip provided him with the passport necessary to leave Sierra Leone as well as the friendship of Laura Simms, who offers him a home in New York City.