Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

When a parent notes that a child is “not listening,” they usually mean that there is a lack of compliance or cooperation. As is true for adults in relationships, children are more likely to comply when they are feeling good about their relationship with their parent. Not listening can reflect a state of disconnect. Another aspect to not listening is that usually adults ask children to do things they don’t want to, like stop playing to take a shower or switch off the TV to do homework. While parents cannot avoid these requests, they can change the way they deliver them.

One way is to connect with the child before making a request by acknowledging what the child is doing before making a switch in activity. This pairs well with giving the child a choice, such as putting away their toys before or after they take a shower. Humor or playfulness can be helpful in encouraging listening. It can be as simple as offering to dance around while talking to the child, which might make listening easier or more fun.

While Dr. Kennedy is not a proponent of “hacks,” she does suggest the “Close Your Eyes Hack” (146), which entails a parent closing their eyes while a child performs the requested task with a promise to do something silly if the task is completed while the parent’s eyes are closed. This strategy incorporates respect and trust, as the parent trusts the child to do the task; it gives the child control and independence, as the child does the task without supervision; and it fosters playfulness with the silliness that follows the task completion.

Another strategy to encourage listening is to practice role reversal. The more control a child feels generally in their life, the more likely they are to comply in moments that a parent demands it. To help with this, Dr. Kennedy recommends dedicating a set time in which the child can be the adult and tell the parent what to do, provided it is safe and doesn’t involve food or gifts. For the parent, it is important to show the child they empathize with the child while they perform the role reversal; for instance, a parent should respond as their child would and whine about cleaning up toys when asked. It is also a good reminder for parents about how it is hard to receive instructions all the time.

Although exhausting and difficult to manage, tantrums are both normal and healthy. They are merely a sign that a child cannot cope with the emotional demands of a situation. Tantrums are biological states of dysregulation and not willful disobedience; they are the body’s signal to a child that they still want something even when being told no. Hence, the goal is not to stop tantrums, as children need to grow up recognizing their own wants and being able to assert themselves.

Tantrums signal that feelings of distress have been building up inside for a while; the trigger event is simply the last straw. Strategies for dealing with tantrums are aimed at building regulation, not shutting tantrums down, as the child needs to learn to regulate feelings, not avoid them.

The first thing a parent can do is to remind themselves of their own and their child’s goodness—they are a good parent, their child is a good child, and the parent is capable of coping with the situation. The second step is to remind oneself that “two things are true”: It is possible to hold a boundary and say no while allowing the child to be upset. One can even communicate this to the child in a calm, empathetic tone.

Naming the wish that one’s child is unable to fulfill is another strategy. Saying the child’s wish out loud—“You wish you could keep watching your show”—helps the child feel acknowledgement and empathy. In addition to this, validating the magnitude of the feeling can be helpful. Seeing and acknowledging how upset the child is about being told no helps the child recognize, and even express, the big feelings they are having.

Aggressive tantrums are as normal as purely emotional ones. They are a sign that the frontal lobe of the child’s brain, responsible for controlling impulses among other things, is flooded and in a threat state: The child is reacting in self-protection. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic, language, and perspective, is still underdeveloped; thus, a child can feel, but not regulate, intense emotions.

Overwhelming emotions are interpreted by the child’s body as a threat, and a child will remain in fight or flight mode until the caregiver shows them otherwise. In this moment, parents need to embody authority to stop their child from spiraling, which means tolerating their child being unhappy with them. While dealing with a tantrum, the parent’s job is to keep themselves calm and their child safe.

Using the phrase “I won’t let you” communicates that the parent is in charge. The child is developmentally incapable of stopping and needs someone else to help them do so. Hence, this phrase works better than saying “Please stop,” or “You can’t do XYZ.” In case of an aggressive tantrum, this will require physical separation, such as separating two fighting siblings or holding a child’s hand to prevent hitting.

The parent can also differentiate the urge from the action: It is alright to want to bite or hit but not alright to act on it. These urges may even be redirected, such as providing a chew necklace to a child who wants to bite or placing a kicking, flailing child in a safe space where they can do so without hurting someone.

Containment is another strategy, which Dr. Kennedy illustrates using an analogy comparing the child’s emotions to a dysregulated fire. It needs containment in a confined space to prevent spreading; accordingly, the parent can move the child to a smaller, safe space and close the door. It is important to sit through the tantrum with the child and let them ride it out, communicating love while also keeping them safe—disallowing the child from leaving the room or hurting others or themselves. Focusing on deep breaths, avoiding lectures or punishment, and speaking in a calm voice all help the child regulate.

Another strategy parents can use to approach tantrums is to personify the child’s feelings. When a child says hurtful things like “I hate you” or “Leave me alone,” parents can reframe this as the child talking to the overwhelming feelings they are experiencing inside.

Finally, retelling the story can be a helpful tool. Once the tantrum is over, revisiting the instance with the child and simply walking through what happened helps add coherence and connection to a chaotic moment for the child.

The arrival of a sibling activates both attachment needs and abandonment fears in a child. The new sibling unsettles the older child and presents a threat to the security the latter feels within the family. Thus, the more secure a relationship the older child shares with a parent, the less threatening the arrival of a sibling feels. The sibling relationship is complex and can give rise to a range of feelings; the more a child is able to connect with parents and express these feelings safely, the less likely they are to manifest via behavior.

Birth order is also an important aspect of sibling dynamics. The first child is accustomed to being alone and is wired, for a time, to have the parents’ full attention; thus, they can appear self-centered when a younger sibling arrives. By contrast, middle or younger children are accustomed to the constant presence of another. They may be unable to do things as quickly or as well as their older sibling(s).

To help with sibling rivalry, Dr. Kennedy recommends PNP time to allow for more connection and one-on-one time. Another principle to be established is that parents respond to individual needs within the family and not based on blanket “fairness.” The latter can breed a sense of competition, with siblings watching each other closely to ensure everything is exactly the same. This can see them orient outward, rather than inward, to gauge their own needs.

It is important to allow a child to vent about their sibling, but only to the parent. Doing so helps them work through feelings of jealousy, which can subsequently become easier to manage. However, Dr. Kennedy is firm about not allowing name-calling between siblings, as this is a form of bullying that can chip away at a child’s confidence. In keeping with this, she recommends that parents intervene when siblings put each other in physical or emotional danger. However, when there is an argument or conflict that does not feature boundary violation, it can be helpful to deescalate by narrating the situation and posing a question about how to solve the conflict, allowing the children to tap into their inner problem-solving abilities.