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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
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Themes
Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural
Rosenberg’s model of NVC aims to reconnect readers with an inherently natural way of being: compassionately giving. He suggests that humans flourish when they are connected authentically to their inner selves and to others. Compassionately witnessing those around us allows us to hear and understand their needs. We are unfortunately led away from this state of being through problematic societal conditioning. This maladaptive conditioning “disconnects us from our compassionate nature” and leads to violent and exploitative behavior, causing us unhappiness (1).
Instead of being trained with the skills to clearly express our needs and receive the needs of others, we are highly trained in analyzing the “perceived wrongness of others” (53). This way of thinking relies on the misguided premise that “other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment,” even if that punishment is our internal condemnation (147). Professor O. J. Harvey’s research, cited in Chapter 2, supports Rosenberg’s position on the socially conditioned nature of conflict, which relates that “classifying and judging people promotes violence,” meaning that those societies where judging others is normalized (rather than a norm of non-judgmental acceptance and seeking to understand others’ needs) experience a higher level of violence and crime (18).
In terms of those who act in violent, angry, or aggressive ways, Rosenberg suggests that these individuals are simply frustrated or afraid, as their needs are not being met. In Chapter 8, Rosenberg explores cases of de-escalation of emotionally charged situations through NVC to convey the power of witnessing others compassionately. A drug rehabilitation clinic employee who encountered an angry man who was threatening her with a knife received him with calm and empathetic paraphrasing of his distress: “[A]fter he’d received the empathy he needed, he got off me, put the knife away, and I [the clinic employee] helped him find a room at another center” (120). The clinic worker took the man’s explosive and threatening behavior as an opportunity to know the man better by seeing his underlying feelings and needs and responded empathetically, negating the man’s need to express himself threateningly. This illustrates the humanizing power of treating others with compassion and empathy, which allows others to reconnect to their own authentic, compassionate self.
Therefore, NVC is conceived of as a way to “strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions” (3). In establishing compassion as a natural human mindset that people merely become disconnected from through difficulties and conditioning, Rosenberg creates a hopeful tone that emphasizes the inherent good in people and the potential for loving and cooperative relationships.
The Importance of Honest and Compassionate Introspection and Self-Expression
As well as treating others with compassion and kindness, Rosenberg suggests that it is vitally important that we use compassion in our own self-talk. He views self-hate as endemic in our modern society: “[U]nfortunately, the way we’ve been trained to evaluate ourselves often promotes more self-hatred than learning” (130). This mirrors the societal training that encourages us to judgmentally view others in terms of how they might have wronged us; in the same vein, we harshly judge our own mistakes rather than compassionately acknowledging mistakes as an opportunity to “show us our limitations and guide us towards growth” (130). In terms of our preoccupation with self-recrimination, Rosenberg suggests that becoming aware of it is a first important step: “[D]rawing this conditioning into the light of consciousness is a key step in breaking its hold on us” (172).
When we make a mistake, Rosenberg suggests that we should lovingly acknowledge that we were doing our best and that “our choice was an attempt to serve life” (133). We were trying to assist ourselves in terms of one of our needs. Rosenberg recommends mourning how the choice did not serve that need and therefore our life more generally, which allows growth toward different choices in the future. This growth should be toward our needs that are not being met, rather than wasting time on damaging self-recrimination, as Rosenberg suggests that “self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs” (132).
In Chapter 12, Rosenberg models the process of hearing one's internal feelings and needs through the framework of NVC. A mother, who was caring for her children full-time, harshly recriminated herself: “I should do something with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents” (173). Rosenberg suggests that judgmental, blaming language obscures a compassionate examination of unmet needs, which causes these needs to continue to go unmet. Through NVC, the mother restructured this thought into an analysis of her needs; she focused on addressing herself with compassion: “[W]hen I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession” (173). An honest examination of unmet needs allowed the woman to find a solution for her feelings of despondency: “I now would like to find part-time work in my profession” (173). This led her toward fulfilling an unmet need. This example illustrates the way that compassionate introspection can lead to a more authentic life: “NVC helps us create a more peaceful state of mind by encouraging us to focus on what we are truly wanting rather than on what is wrong with others or ourselves” (173).
Compassionate introspection is also vitally important in identifying our own needs and feelings so that we can express them to others. This allows those around us to be given the opportunity to fulfill these needs for us; Rosenberg suggests that fulfilling the needs of others brings people joy (as opposed to the commonly held belief that our needs are a burden on others and adults should be self-sufficient and not “needy”). Rosenberg attributes our own unsureness of what we want as a major cause of conflict between people, and also within ourselves. A lack of clarity over our needs and feelings is correlated with unhappiness and poor mental health; Rosenberg identifies that, “very often, my clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustrations and depression” (72). Honest introspection is needed to trace a feeling, such as disappointment, to an unfulfilled need, such as social connection. He urges readers to develop their vocabulary of feelings and the needs connected to those feelings, so that they can identify to themselves and to others how they feel, and what needs are being met or not met.
The Importance of Empathy in Order to Communicate Effectively
Rosenberg suggests that empathy should underpin all of our communication; this allows us to fully understand others, and therefore to be understood ourselves. It is societally normalized to make evaluative and harsh judgments of others. Instead, Rosenberg suggests that we should notice and resist internal monologues that judge others and instead talk to them wherever possible in order to empathetically understand them. If talking is not possible, we can empathetically imagine what their needs might be that cause them to act in certain ways. This demonstrates the way that NVC is a way of conceiving of the world, rather than just a way of communicating, and that the language that we use internally and externally to construct our world is inextricably linked to the way we view the world and the relationships we form with ourselves and others.
All interactions, even ones where another person is being cruel, can be understood as “opportunities to give to people who are in pain,” as these individuals are indirectly providing us information on what is alive in them, which we can empathetically rephrase to convey our understanding of their feelings and needs (100). As anger is merely an expression of unmet needs, respectful communication can be established using empathy, which de-escalates emotionally charged situations because “when we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters” (120).
Rosenberg demonstrates his own use of empathy in Chapter 10, when a cab driver makes antisemitic remarks. As a Jewish person (as well as an advocate for social equality regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, or religious beliefs more generally), Rosenberg’s initial temptation—as someone who grew up in a society that taught him to judge and blame others as the source of his unhappiness—was to “want to physically hurt such a person” (150). Instead, Rosenberg turns his empathy both internally and outwards: “I took a few deep breaths and then gave myself some empathy for the hurt, fear, and rage that were stirring inside me”; next, Rosenberg states: “[M]y intention was to connect with him [the cab driver] and to show a respectful empathy for the life energy in him that was behind the comment” (150). By using empathetic inquiry and listening, Rosenberg hears the cab driver’s fear and the fact that he wants to protect himself from exploitation from the Jewish community, which the man perceives as threatening. This allows Rosenberg to connect with the universality of their shared experiences:
When I hear that he’s scared and wants to protect himself, I recognize how I also have a need to protect myself and I too know what it’s like to be scared. When my consciousness is focused on another human being’s feelings and needs, I see the universality of our experience (151).
Once Rosenberg empathetically listened and reflected to the cab driver, he could then present his own feelings and needs, as “it will often be difficult for others to receive our feelings and needs in such situations, we would need first to empathize with them if we want them to hear us” (149). Rosenberg can express his discomfort and distress in a way that is heard, resulting in a more productive conversation for all parties.
On the other end of the emotional spectrum, empathy also informs the fact that we should find opportunities to express specific gratitude and appreciation to people who enrich our lives. Often, people in their work or home lives can feel an immense “hunger for appreciation,” as people tend to point out what is wrong rather than what has been done correctly (190). Rosenberg recommends expressing appreciation for specific tasks people perform that have enriched your life, as Rosenberg stresses that enriching the lives of others brings us a sense of joy and fulfillment. This is an empathetic practice that recognizes the desire of those around us to contribute positively.
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