Out of My Mind

Melody is wheelchair-bound; it is a situation she cannot control, much like her inability to walk, talk, feed herself, or use the bathroom alone. Her hands and arms are stiff, she cannot hold items without dropping them, and she has no balance. Melody imagines that people who look at her see a young girl with dark, curly hair and curious eyes, whose head wobbles and who drools occasionally. In her pink wheelchair—she notes “there is nothing cute about a pink wheelchair” (3)—she is a prisoner to the whims of an uncontrollable body.

Melody expresses her loves and her frustrations. She doesn’t like people who try to ignore or avoid her, the people who never ask her name “like it’s not important or something” (4) when she believes otherwise. Melody has an incredible memory, although she notes that it can be difficult at times to keep memory separate from the many videos of her infancy that her parents have shown to her, from the day she was brought home from the hospital to her first feedings and baths. The young girl notes that the videos display the enthusiasm of a father who “was waiting for me to turn over, and sit up, and walk. I never did” (5).

Melody focuses on her love of music, a love modeled for her by her parents. Her mother’s love for classical and her father’s admiration for jazz inspire their daughter to associate music with scents and images. Even Melody’s love for music can be a source of frustration, such as when she recalls her reaction upon hearing “Elvira” by the Oak Ridge Boys, but being unable to communicate her feelings to her mother, who sees nothing and continues to spoon-feed Melody.

Her ability to remember everything is a good quality, Melody believes, although it is hard, too, because everything stays locked in her head. Above all, she remembers words, and she recognizes that nearly everyone around her can use words easily to express themselves. She believes that people who can talk take communication for granted. She thinks of the words she associates with her parents, but which she can never share with them.

Thinking back to her early childhood, Melody believes that she recognized her differences gradually. She thinks of a stuffed cat toy that her father brought home for her when she was a baby, and how no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t hold the cat in her hands. It kept dropping to the floor. She thinks of the number of times that she, unable to control her body, also fell to the floor, and how her parents worked to try to help her sit upright and take notice of the world around her. Melody recalls her father taking her outside at night to look at the stars, and how he hung a bird feeder on the porch so she could see the birds up close.

Melody focuses on her feelings about her father, a man who told her that life would not be easy for her and who said, “If I could switch places with you, I’d do it in a heartbeat” (11). He sang to her frequently, especially the Beatles, upon which Melody humorously remarks, “No, there’s no figuring out parents and why they like their stuff” (12). She recalls hearing her father get a drink and some cheese from the fridge and his frequent flatulence as he walked up the stairs. He loved to read to her, and “His breath always smelled like peppermints” (13).

The last part of the chapter addresses Melody’s ability to remember everything she sees and hears, which shows that she is “ridiculously smart” and has a “photographic memory” (13). At the same time, this ability leaves Melody wishing she could delete some memories. This constant battle within her, the incredible talents she has and the inability to communicate with others about what she thinks and feels, leads to inevitable meltdowns.

Melody calls these tantrums “tornado explosions” (15) and explains they are an outgrowth of her frustrations, “All the stuff that does not work gets balled up and hyped up” (15). When those moments become too big to control, she confesses, “I lose myself. It can get kinda ugly” (15).

She remembers one moment while grocery shopping with her mom when she was four years old. Melody had seen news coverage about recalled plastic toy blocks that contained lead paint. In the store, she sees a package of these blocks and is shocked that they are still on the shelf. She points to the blocks, but when her mother cannot understand what Melody is saying, “The tornado took over” (16). She begins flailing her limbs, kicking at her mother, and screaming. Overwhelmed, her mother takes her out to the car and yells, “What is wrong with you?” (16). What stands out most to Melody is that her mother never knew what she was trying to tell her.