Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

The chapter begins with an anecdote about Goleman’s brother-in-law, a true crime buff who once visited a serial killer in prison and asked him how he could do such a thing to another person: Didn’t he feel pity for them? The serial killer replied that he had to “turn that part of [him] off” to commit the acts (117).

Goleman points to the ability to turn off empathy as a defining trait for the “dark triad” of social pathologies: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

To explain narcissism, Goleman uses the example of a talented football player who seeks glory and adoration through tough plays and spectacular catches but eschews teamwork and even gets angry at teammates who pass to anyone other than him.

Goleman points out that “garden-variety narcissism” can be beneficial in stressful situations when performance counts most (118). However, when narcissists lack the ability to consider others, they become obsessed with being admired and purposefully sabotage others in order to feel superior to them. Narcissists can also become enraged when denied something to which they believe themselves entitled, and they can become violent in the service of rectifying the perceived slight. Goleman additionally points out that some organizations can operate narcissistically, becoming a “moral universe of [their] own” and covering up abuse, corruption, or disaster in order to maintain their image (122).

The Machiavellian, or “Mach,” uses manipulation to achieve their ends. Machs often see relationships as purely utilitarian, exploiting and discarding people as they go. Machs are often cunning, charming, and confident and can rise high in people-facing careers like politics or sales.

Psychopaths, unlike narcissists or Machs, feel a total lack of empathy for others. The psychopath is incapable of anything other than the I/it relationship. They have trouble recognizing emotions on other people’s faces and often feel little to no anxiety or fear.

While these sketches present each trait as a personality unto itself, Goleman points out that, in reality, these traits overlap and exist in a spectrum, with many people exhibiting some narcissistic or Machiavellian tendencies in combination with more positive forms of social intelligence. While social cognition is necessary for building richer, more connected lives, Goleman uses the concept of the dark triad to show how people can also use social cognition in a negative and antisocial way to manipulate others and to acquire what they want.

This chapter tells a story from the life of Richard Borcherds, a professor of mathematics at Cambridge University and winner of the prestigious Fields Medal. At a gathering of friends, Richard finds the conversation overwhelming and confusing. He can’t follow the quick synchrony of his friends’ nonverbal signs. It’s all too confusing, and he retreats into his study.

Later in his life, Richards begins to suspect that he might have autism. Testing confirms this diagnosis. Richard mainly struggles with his lack of empathic accuracy: He cannot easily sense the emotions other people are feeling.

Through this story, Goleman introduces the concepts of “mindsight” and “mindblindness”: the ability or inability to sense the feelings of others. Goleman states that when a person is mindblind, they can find it difficult to establish rapport with others and may feel incapable of fully engaging in I/you relationships.

Goleman refers to Simon Baron-Cohen, head of autism research at Cambridge, and his theory that autism spectrum disorders represent the “extreme male brain” (139), which is adept at systemization and poor at empathy. (Note: This theory has been widely contested in the autistic community and among autism researchers.)

Goleman ends this chapter by describing a Cambridge study that used MRIs to detect activity in the brains of people with autism when engaging in social interaction. The subjects’ amygdalas appeared to be much more active than neurotypical people’s in the same context, implying a higher rate of inherent anxiety in social situations.