Starfish

(This section summarizes Poem 96: “Stuffing,” Poem 97: “No Mirrors,” Poem 98: “Maddening Cycle,” Poem 99: “Getting Somewhere,” and Poem 100: “Happy Birthday to Me.”)

Ellie confides in Catalina about Mom’s dictatorial surveillance of her food and trash. She also shares the reason why she doesn’t keep a mirror in her room: Once, Mom stood Ellie in front of a mirror and named everything wrong with her body. Afterward, Ellie took her mirror off the wall, and it fell to the ground and shattered; as Ellie looked down at her reflection among the shards, she realized that other people only see her as pieces of fat, not a whole person. Ellie allows Dr. Wood to read her written Fat Girl Rules, a gesture of trust. Mom and Dad gift Ellie tickets to visit Viv in Indiana for her birthday.

(This section summarizes Poem 101: “Food Brings You Together,” Poem 102: “Thanksgiving Prayer,” Poem 103: “Odds Are,” Poem 104: “We Have Takeoff,” Poem 105: “Stretching Out,” Poem 106: “Down in Kokomo,” Poem 107: “Groundhog Day,” and Poem 108: “Play Ball.”)

Ellie has Thanksgiving dinner at Catalina’s house and is surprised at the unconditional acceptance and positivity she finds there. She realizes that food can be a source of connection rather than shame. Ellie then endures an unpleasant Thanksgiving with her own family. Mom has omitted dishes containing fat, carbs, or sugar, much to Liam’s outrage; he blames Ellie for ruining Thanksgiving. Although Dad grounds Liam until he can learn to treat his sister properly, Ellie doubts it will change Liam’s behavior.

As the plane to Indiana takes off, Ellie feels as though her problems disappear beneath her. Dad bought Ellie two seats on the plane so she’d have room to stretch, something Ellie knows Mom wouldn’t approve of. But since Mom isn’t present, Ellie uses her extra space to stretch and be comfortable. At Viv’s house in Indiana, Ellie feels equally relaxed. The girls build snowmen, watch movies, and Ellie attends one of Viv’s mascot performances. Ellie leaves Indiana feeling as though she’s had the perfect trip.

(This section summarizes Poem 109: “Get the Message,” Poem 110: “What Do I Want?” Poem 111: “A Chance to be a Bully,” Poem 112: “Deserve It,” and Poem 113: “With the Wave of a Wand.”)

Ellie starts to use Mom’s own tactics to fight her abuse. She leaves articles around the house detailing the detrimental effects of negative comments about weight. Dr. Wood helps Ellie understand that she has allowed the Fat Girl Rules to define her; with Dr. Wood’s help, Ellie unpacks why she allows others to say hurtful things to her and realizes it’s because she believes she deserves it. Although Dr. Wood asserts Ellie’s right to be respected and treated as a person, Ellie struggles to accept this truth because of how Mom has treated her. Dr. Wood implores Ellie to express her feelings to Mom—which, in turn, will improve her self-image.

(This section summarizes Poem 114: “Deep Doo-Doo,” Poem 115: “I’m Ellie,” Poem 116: “Belonging,” Poem 117: “Hanukkah Miracle,” Poem 118: “Unwrapped,” Poem 119: “Serving Christmas,” Poem 120: “Starting Over,” Poem 121: “All Figured Out,” and Poem 122: “Erasing the Bad Rules.”)

Ellie continues to challenge Mom and gives her book report at school, relating the protagonist’s struggle to her own. In Ellie’s book, the whale protagonist feels unheard and thinks there is something wrong with him, but ultimately learns that he is beautiful just the way he is. Ellie further relates her book’s message to how others change themselves to fit in instead of thinking for themselves; as she speaks, Ellie aims her words directly at Kortnee. When Kortnee retaliates with a snide remark, Ellie challenges the negative thoughts that arise in her by repeating to herself, “I’m not a whale. / I’m Ellie” (185).

Catalina gifts Ellie a mirror for Hanukkah, and Ellie weeps as she recognizes her own beauty for the first time. Ellie and her family volunteer at a food pantry on Christmas, where Ellie recognizes Enemy Number 3 trying on clothes with his mother. She hides from him; though he may not deserve such kindness, she decides to keep this moment a secret.

Ellie burns her Fat Girl Rules, and though it frees her, she also finds herself feeling uncertain without them—like a puppy she once saw at the shelter, who was afraid to accept freedom after a lifetime of being abused. Mom’s rules have left Ellie feeling as though both she and food are intrinsically bad. Dr. Wood writes Mom’s rules on a whiteboard and Ellie erases them, freeing herself.