Symptoms of Being Human

Friday morning, Riley gets to school early and notices Erik getting football lessons from Jim Vickers. In AP English, Solo tries to talk to Riley. When Riley confronts him about not sticking up for them at lunch earlier that week, Solo says that this was his way of warning them that “that particular table would not be a good choice” (84). The argument gets heated. Riley calls Solo out for thinking Riley is being dramatic about being bullied—because he doesn’t have a gender nonconforming appearance, he can’t understand where Riley is coming from. Solo retorts that it wasn’t easy for him during his first week at Park Hills High, either, telling Riley not to “walk around […] like you’re better than everyone. Like you’re surrounded by a bunch of shallow, bigoted assholes” (84). Sierra and another girl walk into class, causing Riley and Solo to put their argument on hold until later.

During AP Government, Bec looks tired and doesn’t interact very much with Riley, causing them to worry that they acted too weirdly during their study date. Riley’s thoughts linger on Solo’s words throughout the day, and they approach him at lunch in front of other students, intending to finish their argument. Before Riley can say anything, Jim Vickers and Sierra taunt Riley, calling them homophobic slurs and asking about their genitals. Riley tells them it’s none of their business, and specifically tells Sierra that she isn’t their type. When Vickers, who is dating Sierra, threatens Riley, Solo stops him. Solo and Riley decide to ditch school.

Solo and Riley drive to an 80s-themed arcade called The Reagan Years. Riley orders drinks while Solo plays Ms. Pac-Man to blow off some steam. When Solo finishes his game, he and Riley talk. Riley asks if Solo meant it when he said Riley thinks they’re better than everyone. Solo says that Riley assumes “everyone will be your enemy” (91), and that they invite harassment because they “dress in a way that makes it nearly impossible to tell if you’re a boy or a girl” (92).

Solo tells Riley that he has also been bullied for his appearance, specifically because of his weight, skin color, and Chewbacca backpack. Proving himself on the football team was an opportunity to “earn [his] way in” (94) and gain acceptance at school: “There will always be guys like Jim Vickers [but] I’m not going to let them stop me from doing what I want” (95). He tells Riley they shouldn’t let people like that stop them from being themself either.

Solo takes Riley home, telling Riley they can sit with him and his friends on Monday if they want to, before driving off. Riley knows they’ll both be in trouble for ditching, but feels good for the moment.

Riley’s blog now has over 500 followers. After reading through some of the messages from their followers sending support or asking for advice on coming out, Riley responds to the messages, admitting that they haven’t come out yet and posting some online resources that their followers could find helpful.

Riley’s parents confront them about skipping school, accusing Riley of drinking and demanding an explanation. Riley, unwilling to admit that other students were being homophobic, tells their parents only that their classmates were “making fun of the way I dress” (102). Riley’s mother approaches the conversation with concern, at a loss as to what’s going on. Riley’s father’s anger builds and he implies that Riley is lazy about their appearance. He tells them that their truancy at school could reflect badly on him and affect his campaign. The conversation overwhelms Riley and triggers a panic attack, causing them to scream at their parents and into their pillow until they dissociate. The next thing Riley knows, their father grounds them and takes away their laptop.

Riley has an appointment with Doctor Ann, their psychiatrist, the day after being grounded. Riley tells her about the events of the week, including about the attention their blog has been getting. Doctor Ann validates Riley’s feelings, but Riley is frustrated, telling Doctor Ann that therapy doesn’t “do anything to fix what’s wrong with me” (108). Doctor Ann says she doesn’t believe anything is “wrong” with Riley, explaining that even though Riley’s anxiety is “more sensitive than others’” (109), the combination of stressors in their life are overwhelming enough to trigger more anxiety attacks. The session ends with Doctor Ann telling Riley they should fight for a cause they’re passionate about to help get them out of their head and engage with other people.

Riley checks their blog and posts for the first time in two days, thanking their new followers for their support and asking them to help Riley find a cause for their therapy assignment. Riley then goes through their messages, responding to the kind ones and deleting most of the negative messages that come from anonymous posters. They come across one anonymous message that is “particularly interesting, but entirely inappropriate” (113) asking how Riley has sex. Riley responds that they haven’t had sex yet and therefore aren’t able to answer, but uses the wildly rude message to educate on why asking questions about someone’s sex life is invasive, especially when the same questions wouldn’t be asked of someone cisgender.

After posting the reply, Riley receives another anonymous message, this time from a transgender girl who tells “Alix” that she came out to her parents a couple hours earlier. The conversation went poorly, so the girl ran away from home and is now “staring at the train tracks and thinking [she] should just throw [herself] down there” (115). Riley, recognizing the seriousness of the message, first responds by sending the girl a link to a website that offers mental health resources to transgender people. Then, Riley tells the girl how brave she is for choosing to come out and that her parents’ negative response has more to do with their inability to cope than with her. Riley ends the post by offering more resources for a safe place for the girl to stay.

Tired, Riley plans to log off for the night, but then sees an anonymous message that reads: “go back where u came from dyke r school doesn’t need another faggot” (118).

Riley is terrified of the hateful message, immediately thinking of Jim Vickers, who said something similar to Riley two days prior. They begin to panic, worrying about how much worse things could get at school for them and for their father’s campaign. Riley almost deletes their blog, but decides against it—it would mean erasing “the truest part” of themself. Riley calms down by reasoning that since the sender only said “r school” and not “Park Hills High,” nothing about the message incriminates Vickers or anyone from their school. Riley tries to sleep, but is still thinking about the trans girl at the train station.

Exhausted on Monday, Riley notices that Bec isn’t at school again. Things appear to be better overall; at lunch, no one bothers Riley, though they still feel uneasy when Jim Vickers makes eye contact with them when they pass the football team. Sitting on the wheelchair ramp behind the auditorium where Bec usually is, Riley feels “disgusted by my own self-pity” (123) and remembers Doctor Ann’s assignment. They head to the activities office to find a club to join. There, they talk to Casey Reese, a girl in Riley’s French class who works at the office. Riley takes a look at the list of clubs offered at Park Hills High. The list isn’t very promising and Riley is about to give up, when they see a flyer for peer tutoring during lunchtime on Mondays.

Curious, Riley goes to the library, surprised to see Sierra Wells tutoring a younger student. Sierra notices Riley and gives them the essential oils Mrs. Cavanaugh ordered from Mrs. Wells the week before. Riley notices that the scarring on Sierra’s arm is similar to self-inflicted marks on a patient at Pineview. Feeling bad, Riley apologizes for the way Sierra’s mother embarrassed her. Sierra reacts coldly, leaving Riley wondering why they tried to be nice to her.

As the week goes on, Riley is preoccupied with studying for a precalc test. They still haven’t decided on a volunteering activity, and they haven’t checked their blog for fear of what might have happened to the girl at the train station. By Wednesday, Bec still hasn’t come to class. Riley is surprised when Bec shows up at the ramp at lunch.

Bec teases Riley over coming to look for her and avoids telling Riley why she was absent, hurting Riley’s feelings and causing them to wonder if Bec is upset about their maybe-date. Bec tells Riley she heard about the encounter with Jim Vickers and Sierra, warning Riley to be careful not to provoke Vickers. Bec asks what Riley is doing over the weekend and tells them that they’re going to a club with her in L.A. Before Riley can respond, Bec’s brother Erik interrupts to ask for lunch money. Bec and Erik are visibly uncomfortable about the interaction, but when Erik leaves, Bec doesn’t offer any explanation. Riley says yes to Bec’s plans.

Distracted by the idea of a date with Bec, Riley decides to ask their followers for advice, but becomes worried about the trans girl who messaged them. When they log in, Riley finds that over a thousand people have interacted with their reply to the girl’s message, offering support. Riley is relieved to find a message from the trans girl herself, who tells them that she was touched by the responses to her message, and that she’s planning on going home after all.

Riley then sees a message from someone named Mike/Michelle Weston, who works for QueerAlliance. Mike/Michelle asks Riley to become a contributor for their website and invites them to visit the QueerAlliance center in Los Angeles. Riley realizes this is the cause they’ve been looking for.