We All Want Impossible Things

The next day Edi confronts Ash about her relationship with Dr. Soprano, reprimanding Ash for what she thinks is selfish and destructive behavior:

You attract all these people with terrible boundaries […] And you just kind of hoard them all. But Honey loves you so much. Yeah, he’s not perfect […] but he’s a good person, good company, a great father. He’s funny and handsome and loyal (124).

Ash tells Edi that it’s not quite as simple as that, but she begins to wonder if perhaps Edi is right. She just wanted to be loved, but always felt like she was getting in her own way. By the end, she recalls, she and Honey fought all the time. Later that night, Ash is at home alone and Honey comes over to return a tool he borrowed. Ash invites him to stay the night with her, but he tells her that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

Ash chats with Belle, who voices her disgust with the male reproductive organ, and Ash makes sure Belle doesn’t have any questions about sex or sexuality. They continue to chat, and the topic of Honey’s love life comes up; Ash asks Belle if she’s aware if Honey has a girlfriend, and Belle answers that she thinks he is dating an acquaintance of Ash’s, a woman named Gemma. Ash expresses hurt and surprise, and Belle responds that Ash is being selfish: “You want Dad to, like, pine away for you for the rest of his life. I’m sorry, but you do. It’s not right […] I think you’re going to have to get over yourself a little bit” (132). Ash realizes that Belle’s right and apologizes.

The next night at Shapely, Edi falls out of bed. The doctor tells Ash that this is typical for someone at Edi’s advanced stage of illness, and that Edi doesn’t have very long at this point. Ash emails a number of Edi’s family members and friends, updating them on Edi’s condition and letting them know they should come see Edi now if they want. Almost immediately, people start responding to say that they’re coming.

After a nap, Ash wakes up to a package that arrived while she slept. It’s the long-coveted lemon pound cake. She cuts Edi a slice and hands it to her, waiting for a reaction: “Edi swallows, opens her eyes. ‘Eh,’ she says. She puts the plate down in her lap. ‘It could use a lemon drizzle or something’” (141).

Jonah, Edi’s brother, arrives, and Ash leaves to run some errands. While out, she gets a call that Belle has been in a car accident. She’s fine, but she needs to be picked up from the hospital. As Ash drives Belle home, Belle tells her mother not to be worried, and that she wasn’t playing hooky from school just because she’s traumatized by her parent’s strained relationship.

Honey and Jules meet them at home, relieved that everyone is okay. Ash takes Jules to Shapely to see Edi, warning her that Edi doesn’t look like she used to on account of the illness. Jules tries to talk to Edi but Edi is barely lucid, falling asleep after asking about Dash. After a while Edi’s husband, Jude, arrives, along with Edi’s childhood friend Alice.

As various friends and family members arrive, Ash wrestles with a mixture of grief and happiness in the presence of so many loved ones. She talks to Jonah about his distant father, with whom he’s left Dash for the day, then they all take turns sharing their favorite memories and stories about Edi. Ash is overwhelmed by her emotions and slips into the hallway to catch her breath; Honey comes out after her and comforts her.

Jude stays the night with Edi at Shapely, and everyone else goes to Ash’s house to spend time together. Later, when Honey stands up to leave, Ash walks him outside, then returns to the house, where everyone is getting ready for bed. Ash arranges where everyone will sleep, then falls into a deep sleep herself after many sleepless nights.

The next morning Ash awakes to freshly brewed coffee and Alice and Jonah talking about aging. They stop at the grocery store to pick up Pringles for Edi before heading back to Shapely. There, they meet Jude, who tells them it was a rough night but that Edi is still hanging on. Edi tries to eat a stack of chips but almost chokes; the nurse who comes to help informs them that Edi has to be limited to soft foods at this point.

The hospice chaplain comes in and leads some of the group in a guided meditation. As Ash tries to follow along with the breathing exercises, she fights off distraction by imagining the first breaths of her daughters: “Instead, I remember the girls, right after birth, lying on my chest and looking directly at me with their filmy little no-color eyes—that crazy feeling of somebody’s home, which even those brand-new pupils could telegraph” (167). Ash asks the chaplain what they’re supposed to do when Edi dies, and the chaplain tells her that there really isn’t anything to do except show Edi love.